65 Pounds to go

Maybe the title doesn't cover everything, but it is a start. That is what we all focus on, right? The pounds? I know I do - if you can give me a guaranteed pill to swallow - tell me it will not damage my heart and lungs, will curb my craving for carbs without the nasty flatulence to go along with that - then I would be all over it!! But, alas, so far there is no such wonder pill. It has taken me years of self indulgence and gluttony to get here, so I am not sure why I feel it can all be "undone" in 90 days! (it hasn't been 90 days, I am just poking at the diet fads that harp on that). For me - I have been seriously moving forward - with multiple steps back - for almost 78 days now. I am still down 16.5 pounds. I know if I would incorporate exercise I could be down further, but I haven't so this is the price I pay.

I can't say I have enjoyed this whole process. I am so glad that I have begun it though. I do have a different way of looking at food, and a knowledge that food will not disappear from my life forever just because I do not partake of it at that moment. I am trying to be healthier and instill healthier habits in my children. I am also trying to let them see me share - where once I kept things for myself. How awful is that to admit? Yep - really bad. But, they have noticed the change and have even commented on it. Sad, huh? Oh well - we will all be better off in the end.

My goal is still the same. I want to be free of my addiction to carbs and sweets. I want to also have lost 80 pounds. And, as much as I dislike exercise, I want to shape up. To me that means being able to play, swim, walk, and ride a bike at a regular pace without being winded. Not too much to ask I don't think.

Blessings as you move forward!!

Moving Forward

I have stopped counting days - I don't exactly know when I stopped, maybe around the time of my last entry, but I have stopped. I no longer think of this as something with a beginning and an end. I really now think of it as a lifestyle. That is the goal, right? I am not saying I am perfect, and I am definitely not saying I have lost the total amount of weight I need to, but I see changes in me. I feel the changes in my choices, how I look at food, and in the fact that I don't have that burning, "get out of my way" need for something sweet at the end of the day like I did even three weeks ago.

So, here I am, on March the 2nd, and really praying that these "feelings" (which I know can be deceiving) are here to stay. That the changes that are positive inside me are permanent. That I am on the right track - moving forward - and that four months from now - one year from now - I can look back and say - "Yes, I remember the moment my heart changed."

So, all that being said - I still am waiting on my heart to get on board with exercise. Unfortunately, I really think God is waiting on ME to get on board with exercise. Funny, huh? Well - I keep packing my workout clothes and they keep not getting used. My intentions are so so good though! :D

I am down 16.5 lbs this morning. If I could exercise and completely lay off chocolate and sweets I know I could be down more, but - oh well- this is me for now - and I will forge ahead, with God's help.

Again, I am so very thankful for my support - from my husband most of all - and from those that have commented on the changes they see outwardly, but I know they are only the result of the changes from within.

Blessings as you move forward!

Day Twenty Two

Well, my very first impulse is to run and hide - and what I mean is to just not post anymore. I really have not done well these last few days, and all the knowledge I have has not helped my choices. What it comes down to is heart.
I would like to say my heart is right, but is it? Would a right heart still go in a store - no matter what the temptation - and buy cookies, ice cream, candy, etc? Especially knowing the weakness within me. That would be like me celebrating a friend's recovery from alcohol with a keg party. Seriously - where is my heart? It has been right - until this past weekend. My husband says this weekend was not the change - the change came a week ago - the two week celebration mark - when I ate ice cream. That was the beginning of the downhill slide for me. It is true. My flesh has gained strength again. All that I have gotten through and struggled through - I feel like I am back to square one. I feel like I can't just say "I am going to do better." No, I have to START OVER!!

Honestly, I am tired right now. That is also part of my problem. Remember how I cautioned about taking care of you - not to the extent of not doing what God called you to in caring for your family, but also not always putting others or "good things" first before what is needed to grow yourself spiritually and physically. Well, that lesson is coming home to roost, so to speak. I am tired from good. But, the flip side is I am also out of order. I have not helped with the meals at home - I really have spent the last week avoiding the kitchen if I could - not helpful. I did not ever finish a new plan, either - I did put forth a half hearted attempt at a new one, but nothing real. So, I am convicted about that. There is a verse that says God will bless the works of your hands. Well - I have to actually work my hands in this area for that to be the case.
I know God will one day use all this - this struggle and these feelings of inadequacy to help another - and I cling to that. I just don't want to disappoint one more time. Not me, my husband, God, or anyone else - which is probably why only three people even know I am writing this blog - so if you are reading this - trust me - that is a DIVINE APPOINTMENT!!

So, my challenge to myself: Make a plan. Make a two week menu, shopping list, and start over. Forgive yourself your shortcomings "In our weakness, He is made strong." and Press On!!

Today I brought my workout clothes with me to work - also my workout video. Of course my day is half over and I have not even done anything with any of it, but I did pack it all up and bring it :D

My choices today have been self loathing: Breakfast: two iced sugar cookies and diet mtn. dew
Snack: five snack sized twix bars (found them in the kitchen drawer), Lunch: Chicken salad wrap (homemade)

Reminder to self: "...for the righteous man falls seven times, he gets back up; but the wicked are brought down by calamity." Proverbs 24:16

Days Nineteen through Twenty one

Okay - weekends apparently are my Achilles heel. I had a plan. I just let it fly out the window. We didn't even go on our date, my husband and I, we cleaned out closets instead (trust me - this was an act of love on my part - because it was important to my husband, I figured I needed to help him out - and really in doing so it helped me too. It was kind of fun going through old memories with the kids, watching our wedding and throwing out stuff we don't need, but dates are still so important). I got cocky, a little lazy, and slacked off. I did buy more ice cream - wrong thing to do - didn't buy Girl Scout cookies - which seemed to greet me at every corner this weekend - but I did buy the iced sugar cookies on sale at Wal Mart.

What did I learn? Well - that I cannot go to a grocery store without eating first - so never directly after church unless I have had a GOOD breakfast - which I did not yesterday. I also learned I do not have to give into temptation. "No temptation is put upon you except that which is common to man - and God will provide a way out if you are looking for it" This is probably not the exact wording and I may be mixing two verses together, but regardless, the message is the same - With God I can always have the strength to say no to whatever I think is so overwhelming or compelling to me at the time. Yesterday was a complete wash. It was almost like I got up saying, "How badly can I treat my body today?" It was awful. My body paid me back too - I gained two pounds this weekend, and I had horrible heart burn that woke me up at 1:30 a.m. That was right before my five year old woke me up about an hour later. So, not a good night. I did do my "exercises" this weekend. Probably mental penance for eating so badly. I don't know. I have to come up with a new strategy for weekends, that is for sure.

So, thankful for a new day - for forgiveness and multiple chances. Here I go again.

Day Eighteen

"I am the Lord, I am the Lord, the merciful and gracious God. I am slow to anger and rich in unfailing love and faithfulness. I show this unfailing love to many thousands by forgiving every kind of sin and rebellion. Even so I do not leave sin unpunished, but I punish the children for the sins of their parents to the third and fourth generations." Exodus 34:6-7


I picture God here, walking in front of Moses, hands clasped behind his back, serious, but loving expression on his face and then turning to look right at Moses at the end - and Moses falls to the ground - as much from the words God says here as from looking on the face of God I think. These verses really give me pause. I look at my own family. I see this. The choices that have been made and passed down from generation to generation - until someone steps up with the strength and humility required to break the generational curse. It could be something like alcoholism, drug addiction, infidelity, abuse, negativity, or overeating - or it could be something completely different that you personally see as binding to you or shameful and interferes with your walk with Christ. Don't worry - you will know if you have anything. What I want is to break this eating thing in my family. I believe in doing so, healing will be passed from me to my children. The irony in all of this is that my youngest child has serious food allergies and even still cannot eat much of anything, and has to be on special formula that costs almost $500 a month. He is only five. If this continues, who knows how much the formula cost will be. I do know that no matter what, God has always provided and will continue to. I just see now that we can be completely free - and I want this!!

So, my menu for the eighteenth day was not the worst, but also not the best -
Breakfast: Chicken salad (still have leftovers)
Snack: Water/bacon strips (three)
Lunch: Chili's Southwest chicken salad (no dressing because it had tortilla strips on it, but it was flavored enough that no dressing didn't bother me)
Snack: Fudgesicle
Supper: Poorly planned - out in traffic - ended up grabbing a small bag of M&Ms at WalMart and eating them. I was famished!! I also had eaten a reduced fat/calorie slice of cheese before I went thinking that would help til I got home - Not so.
Snack - fudgesicle.

I did do jumping jacks and push ups today. I know I need to plan my meals again - I have become bored with my current menu at home and I know my family has to have - so I am going to revamp that. I am excited about the possibilities using flatout bread - I can have pizza!!
So - that is my goal for this weekend. To make a new menu. I have these cheesecake brownies that I have had in the freezer since the 28th of January - promising myself and my family that we could eat them on Valentine's day. Why are they so special? Well, first they are my favorite thing from Edgar's bakery here in town, second, I just really had good intentions in the beginning - of staying "sugar free" until the day of Valentine's. But, alas - I have fallen short of that - so onward I trudge. I am going to have one - on Valentine's day, with my husband and kids, and enjoy it. I am also going to have something healthy like fish or steak or something to go before it.

Keep up the good work - keep the planning going - shake things up a bit so you don't become discouraged. God bless your efforts in Him!

Day Seventeen

Well, I am just really flat out embarrassed about what I ate yesterday. Yep. That is definitely the word I would use. I think I looked forward too much to yesterday because I knew we were having a special lunch at work and that would include dessert.

I did okay with lunch. Broccoli and cheese soup - 300 calories, 1/2 Caesar salad - 87 calories (removed the croutons except 3) and didn't put the dressing on top - just put my fork in the dressing before I put my fork in the salad. It was such a good lunch. Then came dessert. She brought 5 pieces of cake. Now there were 4 of us at lunch but only 2 of us ate cake. I should have taken the hint. No, I ate the caramel cake instead. Then took two pieces home - gave one to my husband, ate the bottom half or the chocolate one and then gave the top to my daughter. I still ate supper, crock pot turkey, green beans, water - then made four squares of smores later as a bedtime snack. Why? I have no idea. Probably because deep down I thought, "well I have eaten cake today so why not? and I have lost 13 pounds, so what could it hurt?" Trust me - all my bad choices lately are showing today. I haven't lost enough to be able all out splurge like that. Especially four times in one week. "Be sure your sins will find you out."

Mine have - to the tune of a 1.5 lb weight gain this morning. Yes, I got on and off the scales twice hoping the number was a fluke. How funny is that - just like the day I had lost two pounds the first time. Why is it we can't trust what we see when we say we want proof? South Beach warns of this. Of feeling like we can have "a little of this and a little of that" here and there. It always catches up. So, I have to jump back on. We have another lunch today. But I will eat a fudgesicle if I need something sweet.

I hope you are all doing better and hanging in there. The war continues, but the battles are thankfully spread further apart.

Blessings

Day Sixteen

Okay - so have we talked much about exercise? No. I do not like exercise. I do usually feel so good afterward - and proud of myself for having done it, but historically it has also been followed with eating something at the end that was full of sugar, fat, and carbs - you know - a reward for having exercised :D



This past Sunday, my pastor made a statement that, once again, made a light bulb come on inside my head. When I say I have been to exercise classes, diet classes, diet doctors, eaten weight control foods, taken diet pills, tried herbal cleanses, and even colonic, I am not kidding. I know that exercise is good for you. My problem has been largely motivation, but also, time. Don't we all say, "I just don't have the time"? Well, I probably lead that pack. So, what am I doing with that time? Watching TV? Okay - well, while I watch TV, take ten seconds and do sit ups or run in place or some other form of movement. Point is - we all have 10 seconds in our day - we can all put that into actual exercise. I have done that for three days now and mentally it is working for me. I feel not so much like a slug, I am wanting to go longer than 10 seconds, and I think twice about those Hershey Kisses I found left over from Christmas in my drawer at work. There were only four - how can four hurt? Back to my wise husband's comment about which part of the train kills you - *hint, it is not the caboose*.




So, days ago when I encouraged us all to start thinking about exercise, little did I know that God would use my pastor - FROM THE PULPIT - to speak to me on this very subject. Again, I ask you, "How great is our God?"




Menu:



Breakfast: Two slices of turkey bacon, slice of low fat sharp cheddar cheese



Snack: .75 oz of cashews



Lunch: Chicken Salad (low calorie mayo with salt, pepper, celery, and canned white meat, breast chicken) on a piece of Flatout bread (this is something just rediscovered by me through a friend. 100 calories, 8 grams fiber, 9 grams protein, and only 1 gram of sugar - this particular kind also has flax and is made from stone ground wheat)



Snack: Sugar Free Popsicle



Supper: Crock Pot Turkey, fresh green beans, two whole wheat Ritz crackers with a diced tomato and shredded cheese on top - broiled in the oven, one chocolate (barely) dipped strawberry



Dessert: fudgesicle




Have you thought about coming vacations? Around here we are preparing to go on what we call Spring Break. I am so stoked about this trip. I will cover more on this and why tomorrow - but let me just tell you - I get to be in charge of food for all!! YEAH! Yes- I got on the scales today - no pounds down, no pounds up - still doing good :D